How can we define power? Power is known to be a measure of a person's ability to control the environment around them, including the behavior of other people. The term authority is often used for power, perceived as legitimate by the social structure. Power can also be seen as evil or unjust. However, the exercise of power is accepted as endemic to humans as social beings.
In today's class, we discussed the importance of power in interpersonal relationships, emphasizing the nature of power and its principles, its types, and the ways to communicate power.
Principles of Power
What is power? What principles govern the operation of power in interpersonal relationships?
-Some people are more powerful than others; some are born to power, others learn it. -Some people are more Machiavellian than others; people differ in their beliefs about the extent
to which people can be controlled by others. -Power can be increased or decreased; power is never static. -Power follows the principle of less interest; generally, the less interest, the greater the power. -Power has a cultural dimension; power is distributed differently in different cultures. -Power is often used unfairly, as in sexual harassment and power plays.
Types of Power
What types of power can one person have over another?
Referent power
: The influence that comes from members' liking and respect for one another.
Legitimate Power
: The influence that comes from the authority of your rate and position in the chain of command.
Expert Power
: Ability to influence someone regarding a course of action because of a specific knowledge, experience or expertise.
Information or persuasion Power
: Having the ability to change people's attitudes largely through the skillful use of language.
Reward Power
: Compliance achieved based on the ability to distribute rewards that others view as valuable.
Coercive Power
: Authority or power that is dependent on fear, suppression of free will, or use of punishment or threat, for its existence.
Communicating Power
How can you communicate power?
->Speaking power includes, for example, avoiding hesitations, disqualifiers, and self-critical
statements.
->Nonverbal power includes avoiding adaptors, using consistent packaging, and avoiding
excessive movements.
->Listening power includes responding visibly, maintaining eye contact and an open posture, and
avoiding interrupting.
->Compliance-gaining and compliance-resisting tactics enable you to influence others to do as
you want or enable you to resist compliance attempts of others. Compliance-gaining tactics
include expressing liking, making promises, and threatening. Compliance-resisting tactics
include using identity management and negotiation.
->Empowering others enables them to gain power and control over themselves and over the
environment. Empowering others has numerous advantages, for example, empowered people
are more proactive and more responsible. Empowering others involves such strategies as
being positive, avoiding verbal aggressiveness and abusiveness, and encouraging growth, and
especially helpful and most often greatly appreciated in cases of shyness or high
There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.
Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship, and is not necessarily bad. In fact a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. Conflicts are critical events that can weaken or strengthen a relationship. Conflicts can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce. How the conflicts get resolved, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.
Styles of Conflict Resolution:
Avoiding or denying the existence of a conflict.
Many people prefer to give in rather than struggle through the conflict.
Some people get mad and blame the other person.
Others are competitive and have to win. They use their power and influence to control and get their way.
Some appear to compromise but are subtly manipulative in trying to win more ground.
A few people can control their anger, competitive, I-give-up feelings and self- serving tendencies and genuinely seek a fair, optimal solution for both parties. This is a creative integrative approach.
Three Types of Healthy Solutions:
Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner.
Healthy Conflict Resolutionis easy to understand intellectually, but not as easy to apply and use consistently. It does however become easier once the skills and trust are developed. Both partners must view their conflicts as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t getting the best deal for me; it is finding the best solution for us. They each must actively participate and make the effort and commitment to work hard together to find solutions that are fair and acceptable to both.
If you disregard, minimize or invalidate your spouse’s position, or if you must always get your way, you will damage your relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect of your spouse’s position will cause hurt and smoldering resentment. If fear and power is used to win, the relationship will be mortally wounded.
If you are just a willing giver constantly trying to keep your spouse happy by satisfying his/her needs and avoiding conflict, you will also damage your relationship. You will inadvertently teach your spouse to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate. Resentment will fester, poisoning you to the relationship.
Attitudes Needed for Healthy Conflict Resolution:
Start with the right frame of mind.Approach the conflict as two equals working together to solve a problem. Don’t be so caught-up with your immediate want that you lose sight of and forget your more important want of having a long, healthy relationship. If you are too angry or hurt to be able to control your feelings and remain respectful let yourself calm down before dealing with the issue.
Handling a conflict with a loved one, or someone you want to have a good, long-term relationship with is different than negotiating with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, such as a used-car salesman. With a loved one you have to be concerned with his/her best interests. You both should be open, honest and remain respectful, not deceptive, manipulative or disrespectful. Mutual trust is a necessary core issue in a healthy, long-term relationship and neither partner should do anything to weaken it.
Having a negative, distrustful attitude is detrimental to this process: believing you must win the argument or otherwise lose face is a bad attitude; feeling superior or being hard nosed and feeling inferior or being a soft touch are also harmful approaches.
Stages of Healthy Conflict Resolution:
-Identify the problem or issues.
-Generate several possible solutions.
-Evaluate the alternative solutions.
-Decide on the best solution.
-Implement the solution.
-Follow-up evaluation.
Common Mistakes:
Not discussing with your partner the method used to resolve your conflicts.
Discovering too late that more information was needed, e.g., "I should have placed the order sooner, now they are sold out."
Being too invested in getting your way, or making extreme demands, and therefore not being able to be flexible enough to be fair with your partner.
Forgetting that there are usually several ways of doing things and that your own reality is not the only reality. We humans have a consistent tendency to believe that we are right and are being reasonable. You will be much more effective if you are willing to see the other person’s view.
Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you both could gain.
Believing the other person must lose for you to win.
Bringing in additional issues before resolving the one you started..
If you both stay true to your partner and true to yourself you should have a good, healthy relationship.
Diverse opinions are critical to constructive dialog. Diversity enriches a group. But there is a line between constructive critical thinking and behavior which demeans individuals and potentially destroys communities. It is a fine line with no obvious answer for a facilitator. The goal of this piece is to think about how to support diverse and divergent thinking while reducing the likelihood of personal conflict and group destruction. And this conflict often arises due to misunderstanding. So it is about conflict beteen people, not between ideas. This is an important distinction!
Before we discuss how to avoid online conflict, there are five key attributes of online communication to take into consideration:
Lack of physical communication cues - We cannot see or hear the huge range of non-verbal cues we use during the course of conversation to discern if our audience is understanding, agreeing, disagreeing, getting uncomfortable or opening up. In cyberspace, we must explicitly ask for this information.
Potential impersonality of the medium (distance) - Sometimes, when communicating online people may lose some of their inhibitions and say things they would not say offline. Social norms are less clear and more open to individual interpretation. Setting norms that we agree to use together can control this loss of inhibition.
Asynchronicity affects the way we experience and feel about messages - When you have time to think about your response, you may be more thoughtful or you may let issues build up and get blown out of proportion. In online interactions, each of us may interpret periods of silence very differently. These subtle, unspoken issues can cloud communication.
Public vs. private spaces and perceptions - People have different tolerances of what they think should be "public" or "private." These differences need to be taken into account when choosing to deal with issues in public and/or private spaces.
Limitations of writing and reading - We are not all poets and most of us lead busy lives. Our inattention to detail in writing and our speed reading through topics can lead to misinterpretations. Be thorough. Be explicit.
Four Tips to Avoid Online Misunderstandings
1) Making "I" statements, not "You" statements 'I' statements are used when we feel strongly about something and we want the other person to be aware of how we feel. Use these statements instead of telling the other person what you would like them to do or not do. "I would be more comfortable if you first stated your personal goals about the plan." vs. "You didn't state your agenda and confused the rest of us."
'I' statements present our case without causing defensiveness in the other person. The effective 'I' statement includes three parts. 'When I see/hear (behavior), I feel (feeling). What I would really like is (what is wanted)".
Example: 'When I see that my posts are not being acknowledged, I feel ignored. What I would really like is to have feedback on my input'.
2) Checking assumptions Assumptions are our interpretations of what we hear or read. They are the result of our trying to fill in information that is missing. Assumptions are almost always present. They are based on our own personal attitudes and beliefs. Checking assumptions is very important. Ask. 'In reading your statement, I am assuming that... Is that so?''
3) Actively "listening"/Reading Building rapport with another depends on the quality of our attention during the act of communicating. Remember that the writer cannot see us nodding our heads or hear us saying "umm... hmmm."
Communication occurs at different levels. For messages to be accurately received every level needs to be acknowledged and understood.
Information As a speaker or writer, be as informative as possible. Provide background and details. As a listener or reader, ask open questions that help the other expand on the subject. Ask specific questions to get more details. Reflect back what you heard to check for accuracy.
Feelings Feelings are an integral part of our being. In some cultures, expression of feelings is discouraged, especially negative feelings. It is easier in face-to-face situations to listen to and pick up feelings. Visual clues and voice tones tend to give away signs that may be more easily suppressed when communicating in writing. As a speaker, or writer, make sure to express your feelings when you sense that they are 'nudging' you, using the 'I' statements.
As a listener, or reader, make sure to acknowledge those feelings when they are expressed. If feelings are not openly expressed but you sense something may be present, check it out, remembering that this is an assumption on your part. 'I am sensing that you may be feeling upset. Is that so?' This may give you more information, but remember some people may not admit to negative feelings even if you ask.
4) Acknowledging perspectives People's perceptions of reality can be very different and individualistic. We need to recognize that the other person believes as strongly was we do about the history of the events even when our views of what may have happened are quite different. These different personal perspectives are equally valid. We need to start by respecting the other person's perspective, discuss our views and come to a useful agreement.
When describing an event, say "From my perspective ..." This describes what was real for you without devaluing someone else's point of view. Everyone can contribute from his/her own perspective, adding to the richness of the interaction.
Conflicts Happen Conflicts are great opportunities for learning and growth. The stronger the emotion, the tighter the impasse, the larger the opportunity for learning about ourselves. Questions to ask yourself: what causes me to have strong reactions (usually hurt or anger)? When / where and with whom does it frequently happen?
For resolution to occur there needs to be a sincere desire by both parties to reach a win-win solution, without needing to prove right or wrong. This is the time to drop judgment, blame and defensiveness and open up the possibility of being creative, of finding new ways to respond, instead of reacting. This is the time to be adventurous, inquisitive, curious, playful, and courageous.
Conflict is when two or more values, perspectives and opinions are contradictory in nature and haven't been aligned or agreed about yet, including: 1. Within yourself when you're not living according to your values; 2. When your values and perspectives are threatened; or 3. Discomfort from fear of the unknown or from lack of fulfillment. Conflict is inevitable and often good, for example, good teams always go through a "form, storm, norm and perform" period. Getting the most out of diversity means often-contradictory values, perspectives and opinions.
Conflict is often needed. It: 1. Helps to raise and address problems. 2. Energizes work to be on the most appropriate issues. 3. Helps people "be real", for example, it motivates them to participate. 4. Helps people learn how to recognize and benefit from their differences. Conflict is not the same as discomfort. The conflict isn't the problem - it is when conflict is poorly managed that is the problem.
Conflict is a problem when it: 1. Hampers productivity. 2. Lowers morale. 3. Causes more and continued conflicts. 4. Causes inappropriate behaviors.
Types of Managerial Actions that Cause Workplace Conflicts
1. Poor communications a. Employees experience continuing surprises, they aren't informed of new decisions, programs, etc. b. Employees don't understand reasons for decisions, they aren't involved in decision-making. c. As a result, employees trust the "rumor mill" more than management.
2. The alignment or the amount of resources is insufficient. There is: a. Disagreement about "who does what". b. Stress from working with inadequate resources.
3. "Personal chemistry", including conflicting values or actions among managers and employees, for example: a. Strong personal natures don't match. b. We often don't like in others what we don't like in ourselves.
4. Leadership problems, including inconsistent, missing, too-strong or uninformed leadership (at any level in the organization), evidenced by: a. Avoiding conflict, "passing the buck" with little follow-through on decisions. b. Employees see the same continued issues in the workplace. c. Supervisors don't understand the jobs of their subordinates.
Key Managerial Actions / Structures to Minimize Conflicts
1. Regularly review job descriptions. Get your employee's input to them. Write down and date job descriptions. Ensure: a. Job roles don't conflict. b. No tasks "fall in a crack".
2. Intentionally build relationships with all subordinates. a. Meet at least once a month alone with them in office. b. Ask about accomplishments, challenges and issues.
3. Get regular, written status reports and include: a. Accomplishments. b. Currents issues and needs from management. c. Plans for the upcoming period.
4. Conduct basic training about: a. Interpersonal communications. b. Conflict management. c. Delegation.
5. Develop procedures for routine tasks and include the employees' input. a. Have employees write procedures when possible and appropriate. b. Get employees' review of the procedures. c. Distribute the procedures. d. Train employees about the procedures.
6. Regularly hold management meetings, for example, every month, to communicate new initiatives and status of current programs.
7. Consider an anonymous suggestion box in which employees can provide suggestions.
Ways People Deal With Conflict (Conflict Styles)
There is no one best way to deal with conflict. It depends on the current situation. Here are the major ways that people use to deal with conflict. 1. Avoid it. Pretend it is not there or ignore it. a. Use it when it simply is not worth the effort to argue. Usually this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time.
2. Accommodate it. Give in to others, sometimes to the extent that you compromise yourself. a. Use this approach very sparingly and infrequently, for example, in situations when you know that you will have another more useful approach in the very near future. Usually this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time, and causes conflicts within yourself.
3. Competing. Work to get your way, rather than clarifying and addressing the issue. Competitors love accommodators. a. Use when you have a very strong conviction about your position.
4. Compromising. Mutual give-and-take. a. Use when the goal is to get past the issue and move on.
5. Collaborating. Focus on working together. a. Use when the goal is to meet as many current needs as possible by using mutual resources. This approach sometimes raises new mutual needs. b. Use when the goal is to cultivate ownership and commitment.
To Manage a Conflict Within Yourself - "Core Process"
It's often in the trying that we find solace, not in getting the best solution. The following steps will help you in this regard. 1. Name the conflict, or identify the issue, including what you want that you aren't getting. Consider: a. Writing your thoughts down to come to a conclusion. b. Talk to someone, including asking them to help you summarize the conflict in 5 sentences or less.
2. Get perspective by discussing the issue with your friend or by putting it down in writing. Consider: a. How important is this issue? b. Does the issue seem worse because you're tired, angry at something else, etc.? c. What's your role in this issue?
3. Pick at least one thing you can do about the conflict. a. Identify at least three courses of action. b. For each course, write at least three pros and cons. c. Select an action - if there is no clear course of action, pick the alternative that will not hurt, or be least hurtful, to yourself and others. d. Briefly discuss that course of action with a friend.
4. Then do something. a. Wait at least a day before you do anything about the conflict. This gives you a cooling off period. b. Then take an action. c. Have in your own mind, a date when you will act again if you see no clear improvement.
To Manage a Conflict With Another - "Core Process"
1. Know what you don't like about yourself, early on in your career. We often don't like in others what we don't want to see in ourselves. a. Write down 5 traits that really bug you when see them in others. b. Be aware that these traits are your "hot buttons".
2. Manage yourself. If you and/or the other person are getting heated up, then manage yourself to stay calm by a. Speaking to the person as if the other person is not heated up - this can be very effective! b. Avoid use of the word "you" - this avoids blaming. c. Nod your head to assure them you heard them. d. Maintain eye contact with them.
3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.
4. Give the other person time to vent. a. Don't interrupt them or judge what they are saying.
5. Verify that you're accurately hearing each other. When they are done speaking:} a. Ask the other person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing from them to ensure you are hearing them. b. To understand them more, ask open-ended questions. Avoid "why" questions - those questions often make people feel defensive.
6. Repeat the above step, this time for them to verify that they are hearing you. When you present your position a. Use "I", not "you". b. Talk in terms of the present as much as possible. c. Mention your feelings.
7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.
8. Work the issue, not the person. When they are convinced that you understand them: a. Ask "What can we do fix the problem?" They will likely begin to complain again. Then ask the same question. Focus on actions they can do, too.
9. If possible, identify at least one action that can be done by one or both of you. a. Ask the other person if they will support the action. b. If they will not, then ask for a "cooling off period".
10. Thank the person for working with you.
11. If the situation remains a conflict, then: a. Conclude if the other person's behavior conflicts with policies and procedures in the workplace and if so, present the issue to your supervisor. b. Consider whether to agree to disagree. c. Consider seeking a third party to mediate.
