Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy

There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict.

Conflict is a part of life. It exists as a reality of any relationship, and is not necessarily bad. In fact a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. Conflicts are critical events that can weaken or strengthen a relationship. Conflicts can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce. How the conflicts get resolved, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.

Styles of Conflict Resolution:

	Avoiding or denying the existence of a conflict.
	Many people prefer to give in rather than struggle through the conflict.
	Some people get mad and blame the other person.
	Others are competitive and have to win. They use their power and influence to control and get their way.
	Some appear to compromise but are subtly manipulative in trying to win more ground.
	A few people can control their anger, competitive, I-give-up feelings and self- serving tendencies and genuinely seek a fair, optimal solution for both parties. This is a creative integrative approach.

Three Types of Healthy Solutions:

	Win-win. Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you do not like the choice your partner wants, and your partner does not like your choice, with a little more effort you might be able to find another alternative that you both like and want.
	No lose. When you cannot find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
	Win-lose equally. When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what he/she wants and the other will not. There will be a winner and a loser. If you are fair with each other and generally half the time each gets your own way; it will be easier for each of you when you don’t. The loser will trust that next time or the time after that he/she will be the winner.

Healthy Conflict Resolution is easy to understand intellectually, but not as easy to apply and use consistently. It does however become easier once the skills and trust are developed. Both partners must view their conflicts as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t getting the best deal for me; it is finding the best solution for us. They each must actively participate and make the effort and commitment to work hard together to find solutions that are fair and acceptable to both.

If you disregard, minimize or invalidate your spouse’s position, or if you must always get your way, you will damage your relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect of your spouse’s position will cause hurt and smoldering resentment. If fear and power is used to win, the relationship will be mortally wounded.

If you are just a willing giver constantly trying to keep your spouse happy by satisfying his/her needs and avoiding conflict, you will also damage your relationship. You will inadvertently teach your spouse to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate. Resentment will fester, poisoning you to the relationship.

Attitudes Needed for Healthy Conflict Resolution:

Start with the right frame of mind. Approach the conflict as two equals working together to solve a problem. Don’t be so caught-up with your immediate want that you lose sight of and forget your more important want of having a long, healthy relationship. If you are too angry or hurt to be able to control your feelings and remain respectful let yourself calm down before dealing with the issue.

Handling a conflict with a loved one, or someone you want to have a good, long-term relationship with is different than negotiating with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, such as a used-car salesman. With a loved one you have to be concerned with his/her best interests. You both should be open, honest and remain respectful, not deceptive, manipulative or disrespectful. Mutual trust is a necessary core issue in a healthy, long-term relationship and neither partner should do anything to weaken it.

Having a negative, distrustful attitude is detrimental to this process: believing you must win the argument or otherwise lose face is a bad attitude; feeling superior or being hard nosed and feeling inferior or being a soft touch are also harmful approaches.

Stages of Healthy Conflict Resolution:

-Identify the problem or issues.

-Generate several possible solutions.

-Evaluate the alternative solutions.

-Decide on the best solution.

-Implement the solution.

-Follow-up evaluation.

Common Mistakes:

	Not discussing with your partner the method used to resolve your conflicts.
	Discovering too late that more information was needed, e.g., "I should have placed the order sooner, now they are sold out."
	Being too invested in getting your way, or making extreme demands, and therefore not being able to be flexible enough to be fair with your partner.
	Forgetting that there are usually several ways of doing things and that your own reality is not the only reality. We humans have a consistent tendency to believe that we are right and are being reasonable. You will be much more effective if you are willing to see the other person’s view.
	Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you both could gain.
	Believing the other person must lose for you to win.
	Bringing in additional issues before resolving the one you started..

If you both stay true to your partner and true to yourself you should have a good, healthy relationship.